Why I was a Grinch before I had kids...

To be fair to some people I might still qualify as one because there's a lot about Christmas that makes me feel slightly nauseous. I'd like to set the record straight as to why I feel like I do because there's still a lot that I do like about it, even more so now I have children of my own, I just got to a point before where I felt let down and disillusioned by the supposed "Christmas spirit".

To start I'll deal with some of the less sensitive issues I have: I hate the jingly pop songs that follow you about (major bonus with how we live now! I'm rarely in shops or bars/cafés so I'm not assaulted by it to the same extent although I did spend what felt like an eternity channel hopping on the radio in the car earlier today) and because they are everywhere the rage grows within me. Thing is I like a good few Christmas songs, it's just that I'd rather listen to Händel's Messiah or a compilation of Christmas classics sung by a choir, possibly even Bing Crosby, Elvis, Sinatra et al;  jarring pop songs fighting to be Christmas number one or all the previous years' contestants I do not have time for. Especially not if they've started playing before December.

Which brings me nicely to precisely that irksome behaviour: people who start going on about Christmas months in advance. Not only do I find that it removes some of the magic, starting to celebrate months in advance, but it also means you're tired of it all before it's even begun. Same goes for shops trying to cash in on the season as soon as possible. I love Halloween, not because I care about pumpkins or dressing up one iota, but because if there was no Halloween I'm 100% certain that shops would start selling Christmas things in August. I think we can all agree that that's just too early. Can't we all just enjoy things at the appropriate times of year? That's what makes them special and likeable in the first place. It's like living without dull moments, if we don't have that, have the grey skies and rain, then we don't fully appreciate the sunshine and good times. To those that insist on bringing Christmas forward, know this, you think you're spreading Christmas cheer but really you just make people like me like it a little less... Surely we can meet in the middle, you guys make less of a fuss so early and us less festive folks will make an effort to be more Christmassy during the month of December.

I'm not even going to mention that annoying "Elf on a shelf",
give me a Scandi gnome ("tomtenisse") any day!

As for the decorations... As a Swede who's spent many a dark winters there (Scotland is of course much the same) I really appreciate and love Christmas lights in windows and out over streets, they help bring some cheer into the long dreariness. But as with a lot of other things in life I just can't cope when it's garish and over done. My eyes hurt when there's too much going on, too many colours blinking, too many baubles (it'd be nice to still see the tree!), too much tinsel (yes there's such a thing)... What's wrong with candles, stars and gentle warm lights? I know that to many all those things are a necessity, and you know what, that's fine, we all enjoy things differently and I can't do anything but accept that our opinions may vary. I'm just outlining my preferences, and I like things to be understated and clean-cut pretty much in all parts of my life, not just Christmas.

I used to think Christmas was exciting as a child, I mean that's pretty universal in families that celebrate the holidays, but that changed at some point along the way... Maybe it happened slowly over time, but my excitement started to fade. Our Christmasses were never Hallmark celebrations despite us having lots of traditions that no one ever wanted to budge on. We used to spend Christmas Eve (the day we celebrate and open our presents in Sweden, we even get a little visit from Santa in the afternoon before he sets off around the world) with my maternal great grandparents until they passed away. My own dad usually played the role of Santa, but I don't remember too much more other than my great grandmother's creepy collection of gnomes and the itchy jumpers she made me each year. My sister is 7 years younger so I spent those early Christmasses as an only child, we lived abroad and it was one of the only times of year we were home to see family so I guess that made tradition all the more important to the adults?

Then my great grandfather passed away, a couple of years later my great grandmother joined him (I was in my "tweens" at this point, I never took the loss too hard) think that's when I started disliking Christmas, not that they had made Christmas because I still recall tension and fights before their demise. However as the number of people celebrating our Christmas declined the rifts between people became stronger. My grandmother and mother have always had a "heated" relationship and are constantly bickering and complaining about each other; not helped by my grandmother not being very taken with my dad; and my mother and father starting to drift apart around the same time. Needless to say Christmas became tense; there were always fights and everyone was on edge while trying to keep the same farce going every year. There were too many gifts with too little thought, too many traditions and foods for people to worry about. Instead of enjoying the holidays I feel that they were all trying to hard to make Christmas "magical"... all they succeeded with was the opposite. Of course things were not helped by me going from my tweens to my teens, and I'm a fairly moody person at the best of times so I fed off the bad vibes around me and every year for a while at least one of us would storm out the house. It became unbearable when my parents separated, and it's certainly no excuse for my behaviour but the two "adult"/older women in my life hardly set a good example of how to treat each other in the family unit.

When I was 21 I spent my first Christmas alone (I'm sure they were happier for it, I was pretty toxic company and don't want to in any way make it sound like I solely blame others for making Christmas shit, I'm not easy and I realised we're all bad for each other) and until I had children it was the best Christmas I've ever had. I had the holidays off from the bar I worked in, I borrowed a friend's apartment, bought nice food and booze and didn't leave the flat for three days. It was absolute bliss, no one expecting unattainable goals from me or themselves, I think everyone should try it at some point in life; it's very liberating.

Then I met my other half and we've spent Christmas together ever since (we made the mistake of going to Sweden one year: I wished it to be magical for my daughter's sake but all that happened was that I fought with my mum, I'll be damned if my kids start to hate Christmas because I fight with her so I doubt we'll try it out again despite us originally planning on doing every other Christmas with our Swedish/Scottish families). Every year we do it slightly differently, we're still figuring out what OUR traditions together are, but we're slowly creating a lovely mix of Swedish and Scottish Christmas. The more children we have the more full of fun it feels; I don't know if that in any way correlates to us limiting our gifts more and more every year but I find we all get overwhelmed when there are too many under the tree. But whatever we are doing, we're doing something right, because every year I'm growing to love Christmas a little more.

I know I'm not the only one that finds Christmas tough, I'm sure there are many out there that like me just needed to grow their own family or at least break free from the expectations of the old, others are reminded by loss, family feuds or other things that bring them down, Christmas is stressful! Whatever the reason for your potential Christmas stress or unhappiness, my wish for Christmas this year is that you find a way to celebrate that makes you HAPPY (not celebrating at all counts if that gives you a bit of inner peace!).