HG Diaries

Wanted to collect my social media posts about hyperemesis gravidarum journey #4 in one place. Have a few more specific posts I hope to tackle in individual blog entries but I felt that the shorter posts could make one longer one to remind me why I'm not going through this again. I never thought it would wear me down mentally this much. I know it did every other time when I also felt a million times worse but I seem to chose to forget and I can't do that to myself again, I'm more than blessed enough to have the gift of being mother to four children.

WEEK 15 - 10/08

Hyperemesis Gravidarum - severe nausea and vomiting in pregnancy - is every bit as glamorous as you might imagine. From pregnancy #1 I've vomited so violently I frequently pee myself... I know I'm not alone but it's hardly something people advertise. 

Thing is I've kept a lot of my anger and pain about my pregnancies in. This time I know it's the last time, we're not wondering if we want more kids after, we know we're done unlike the other times when we couldn't help but consider more. And while it's nice to happily accept it's our last baby (something I couldn't do before), it also means that I know can fully accept how much I hate my pregnancies - before part of me didn't want to acknowledge the severity. HG is the hardest thing I've done in life, even now with medication I only feel half a person. I feel unwell and unhappy, I know I'll feel better when I hold our newborn but right now that feels a long way away.

I've a lot to get off my chest this time so bear with me and sorry if it's not enjoyable reading to you. But it's a serious condition that still is so misunderstood not just by the general public but medical professionals too. Too many women out there suffer and I know how alone they feel. So I'm done being quiet and just complaining to friends in person. It's time to share facts and my personal experiences to raise awareness, especially as it's very possible that I've passed this gene on to my daughters which breaks my heart.

WEEK 16 - 17/08

Just a girl standing in front of a fridge trying not to cry.

Part of me is starving the other part of me terrified of eating something. I feel sick because I'm hungry but I know I'm going to feel 100x worse if I eat, and risk it coming back up again. Throwing up is horrible but I'd rather throw up liquid and bile than see food again to be perfectly honest. When I eat I get initial relief and I think "this is what I needed all along". Then about 10-15 minutes later I regret my decision wholeheartedly. I can feel my food sitting in my throat, just asking to exit the way it entered. Doesn't matter if it's a handful of nuts or a proper meal, the nausea is a million times worse than if I starve. But if I don't eat I feel my head spiralling downwards as my blood sugar levels plummet.

This eternal circle of hell just continues through the day, day after day. I normally love food, and right now I want nothing more than to stuff my face and yet I really, REALLY don't. 

I've avoided the worst stretch this time thanks to ondansetron & cyclizine. I've now started to come off them as I've realised I feel no better or worse without them - and at least I avoid the side effects that they come with. I'm glad they saved me from literally not keeping so much as a drop of water down but I'm so tired of feeling sick most of the time, irrespective of time of day or night. I've been on Omeprazole since week 8 to aid my acid reflux (the other times I've only needed it the second half of my pregnancies - even on it I tend to wake up in the middle of the night choking on it), at first that helped the feeling of the food sitting in my throat but it doesn't seem to do anything for that now.

I'm grateful it's not as bad as it could be (every day brings horrible flashbacks from previous experiences). I'm heartbroken that pregnancy is this for me and many others out there. It's not the happy time anyone expects or wants. 

I can't wait to eat and not feel shit again. I can't wait to be closer to the end of all of this, it still feels a long way away. 

Week 17

Last Thursday night the eldest complained about a sore throat - you know how colds usually start with the nose and throat scratchiness - by the next day it was a runny nose and by the weekend she was fine again. Second born has it now too, but like big sis it doesn't seem too bad.

Wee man here always gets hit bad, his nose doesn't cope well with being snotty at all. We have a couple of sleep studies done a year to check for sleep apnoea since his achondroplasia makes him prone to it. The only time we get concerning readings is when he's choked up. It means little to no sleep for him, and inevitably me as I worry about his breathing and he's unsettled. It's been going for days (& nights now) with no sign of easing, I could feel it creeping up on me too. Last night was horrible, I get super congested when I'm pregnant anyway and this is not helpful. My throat is so sore I've spent half the night worrying about throwing up, especially as my cold has already turned into a mucusy cough which sets me off even without pregnancy going on.

At 5 am we gave up and got up, by some miracle I've not thrown up (EDIT: it didn't last 🤢). The only bright side to the morning is the baby #4 is having a party in my tummy. I've been feeling wee flutters for a few weeks but this morning is the longest, strongest and most consistent his/her movement has been thus far. 

Is it nap time yet?

Week 18 - 01/09

Just as my HG was calming down and giving me moments without nausea (and I'm off all the meds!). And just as last week's cold was becoming bearable the 6 year old and I both come down with norovirus in the middle of the night 😭. Of course she kindly barfed all over our bed because she's not thrown up in YEARS so didn't understand the feeling. Suffice to say nobody got much sleep. 

She's perked up since midmorning but I'm far from well. My pregnancy sickness is no doubt not helpful in this combination (I seem to vaguely remember coming down with it along with child #2 when I was pregnant with #3 during my good weeks). 

Today has had me in tears of gratitude that I happened upon a GP who was willing to let me try multiple types of medication this time. Going through non stop vomiting today I don't think I could've done it again for months on end to be honest. It's given me horrible flashbacks and standing on the scales I'm once again (just) below my pre-pregnancy weight and feel so cold and weak (I've hardly been eating huge amounts the last few months anyway and last week's cold set me back lots). My body or mind couldn't have coped with the extreme weight loss again and I realise that more and more as this journey goes on. The nausea is still more than hard enough but I'm so grateful for the difference early medication did to the first part of this pregnancy even if I can not wait for this to be over. 

I never knew about PSS wwe.pregnancysicknesssupport.co.uk until this pregnancy. Please turn to their website for support if you're in the depths of HG or considering another pregnancy but worry about your journey. 

This is the last time I put myself through this but I can tell you this, I do not regret bringing any of my children to the world even if being pregnant is the hardest thing I've done. Can't wait to hold my wee kicking treasure who's been insanely busy today, probably wondering about the rollercoaster ride he/she's been on.

Didn't think I'd miss my day to day nausea and sickness from this pregnancy, but here I am - let's hope I'm near the end of the wave of this virus!

Week 19 - 10/09

This has been my view first thing in the morning for the last 3 months. Me with my head down the toilet, the youngest building toilet roll towers (that I have to acknowledge with admiration or get shouted at) the he then knocks down. To begin with he'd be copying me by sticking his head between mine and the bog which was less than ideal. 

Anyway this last week I've managed to avoid this scene first thing, I've thrown up less in general in fact. It started with a weekend where I felt remarkably well most of the day which surprised my husband and I since it's earlier than my last two pregnancies so earlier than we expected. I got all excited that I may actually get to enjoy doing stuff in the coming weeks. 

The trend of managing to get up without being sick has continued but since I've still felt rotten a lot during the day and my reflux has ramped up. I'm having wee good periods and every other day seems to be alright. But when it hits me or when I'm having a bad day it somehow feels a lot worse than it has in weeks. I'm managing to eat more than I have the last 3 months which is good but I'm sure that's also what's making me feel so much worse, especially as I hate throwing up solids so much more than bile. Feel like I can't win.

Officially halfway through this crap in a few days and desperate for more & longer good periods now, tired of feeling like I can't get up all of a sudden and having a sore jaw from clenching it. I really got my hopes up over the weekend after a few good days (before that I'd resigned myself to this lasting the whole pregnancy) so just feeling a bit more deflated than I did before. Don't get me wrong; it is nice to wake up and not have to be sick but there's no way of explaining of draining the nausea is when it's there so much during the day and night, or when it comes out if nowhere when I think I'm feeling fine.

Keeping spirits up by counting down the days till our next scan and hopefully finding out the gender of this troublemaker!