The long wait for Primary One - Deferred entry

I think I need to start by explaining how the Scottish school system works in the early years. Firstly your child becomes eligible for a state funded nursery place at a school nursery the term after their 3rd birthday. Our eldest is born in February so she started nursery after the Easter holidays the year she turned 3 (she did go to a private nursery a few mornings a week for the year before but we had to pay that ourselves, it was hardly cheap, not a luxury we've allowed ourselves since), our middle child is born in May so she isn't eligible for a nursery placement until August 2019, while children born in the autumn get to start nursery in January.

School starts when they are somewhere between the age of 4.5 - 5.5 years old, depending on whether they are born before or after the cut off point for every new grade which is the last of February/first of March. Our eldest's birthday is at the end of February which would have made her 4.5 years old when she started and one of the youngest in her grade, any of her nursery friends born in March on wards automatically go into the grade below. 4.5 is however a very young age and some children are simply not ready for primary school for a multitude of reasons from emotional maturity, motor skills, speech abilities or could just do with a little longer time to play and explore in a more relaxed environment. To aid this there is a deferral system set in place, it is very much down to parents' choices of what's right for their own child, however the school and nursery staff make sure to share their views as they see how the child is thriving (or not) in the environment when we do not.

When we moved to Scotland I was just told that Vanessa was born on the cusp but nobody really explained how they have structured it. It's a little complicated but I think it is a fairly good system in the circumstances. Basically those born in January/February have a automatic right to be deferred if the parents chose. Those born from August to December are allowed to apply for a deferral but as far as I've understood for those children it is not assumed they will get to stay back a year, school and council both have more of a say (I assume it often can come down to class numbers for the following year). I believe from my research that the parents still have a strong say but they may be more encouraged to send their child up, while those born in the new year seem to be encouraged to stay back a year. Anyone born in the period May to July has to proceed into primary school (I have no experience with those with learning disabilities so I don't know what procedure they have for those that could benefit from an even later school start).

When we first learnt of all of this my natural instinct was to keep our daughter back a year. In Sweden we don't start school until we're 6-7 years old and I think there are so many benefits to the later start, there seems to be new findings constantly as to the later Nordic start being a better model. I firmly believe that school and academic worries fill enough of our children's lives, giving them a little longer to just be children who get to play can only be good for their developing brains. I felt that 4.5 would be very young to start. I have however been told that primary 1-3 very much tries to focus on playful learning in schools here, they are not expected to be able to write when they enter year one and a lot of the learning seems to be done in a fun, imaginative way which I've been pleased to here. I remember feeling that the British school I went to after having lived in Sweden was really strict in comparison (to be perfectly honest I don't think that was a bad thing). We don't have school uniforms in Sweden and often refer to our teachers by their first names so it was quite different for me to begin with. But I remember loving having a school uniform, not only was it easier to get dressed in the mornings without choice but it also meant that I didn't have classmates stealing branded clothes and shoes to try to impress on other (no child should feel the need to do that, especially not when we were 7-9 years old at the time).

I regress, my initial instinct to keep her back changed during her nursery year as she bonded well with her group and out of the 8 students in her class 7 (including our daughter) were set to go to primary one. Vanessa's interest in writing was coming along as was her penmanship in general, but most importantly the whole class got on so well. I worried about keeping her back and having to start with an entirely new group of friends. Her grade was pretty evenly split in genders which I thought was good too, were she to stay behind a year she would be the only girl in her grade. Most smaller schools here merge primary 1-3 though. As our school is a rural one I knew she'd still get a mix in her classroom even if ages were mixed.

The biggest worry was that Vanessa seemed incapable of speaking to certain people. To start with it had been anyone outside our family circle, she couldn't even speak to her grandmothers. We mostly got annoyed because we thought she was simply choosing to refuse since her behaviour otherwise was far from shy. She would use her body and sounds to show what she wanted to convey, she just seemed unable to utter words to them, then she could turn to us and speak just fine. We would get so frustrated with her for not even managing "thank yous" to her relatives or waiters whenever we are out. After some time at nursery she started to be able to speak there, until the nativity play 2017 when she just shut off again. It had been quite a tumultuous autumn with many staff changes due to the head nursery teacher having ill health, she'd been gone for a while and Vanessa had really bonded with one of the supply teachers. The old teacher had turned up at the show and I don't know if it was seeing her and thinking her new friend would abandon her or that she had to get up on stage that made her shut down. I'm more inclined to thing it was the former as she had been on a far bigger stage before, in front of a far bigger audience and she had LOVED it. Whatever the reason it felt like a big set back. 

Then she turned 4 and it seemed like she over night had changed. At her birthday party she was a chatterbox and she both spoke to and thanked all the parents. The following times she saw her grandmothers she managed to exchange words for the first time ever too. Only at nursery was she quiet. It wasn't until the first week of summer holidays when I stumbled across another mother mentioning the term "selective mutism" in regards to her own child that I heard little bells ring. I googled it and finally felt like I finally understood our daughter. It's an anxiety disorder which left untreated can cause huge problems later in life, I finally knew she never had a choice in whether to speak or not. She simply froze around certain people, and because she had been such a delayed speaker anyway (only starting at about 2.5 years age) it took a while to realise what was going on. I wish our health visitors had known about this condition though as I spoke to two different ones about my concerns about a year apart. We would have gotten nowhere if it wasn't for her wonderful nursery teacher, the supply one who stayed on and now is her permanent teacher. She researched during the summer and was able to support Vanessa in the autumn until one day she cracked and started speaking and now she will NOT shut up.

As you may have guessed we chose to defer her entry into primary one considering the no speaking thing. It really wasn't an easy choice, or as easy as I had thought it would be the first time we considered it. We had to decide while I was pregnant with our third child, sick with hyperemesis gravidarum, and with the knowledge that our second born wasn't due to start nursery any time soon. The thought of three kids at home for all but 2.5 days a week for another 1.5 years felt incredibly daunting. I was also worried she would get bored being at home with me and the little ones, we couldn't afford to send her to a private nursery the other days but I also knew there would be limits to what I could do at home with so many little ones. Ultimately though we had to make the right decision for our daughter and not for me. And I have actually enjoyed having her about (we've also hated it!).

It felt like an eternity away when she started in August, she spent the first two months complaining and crying because she wanted to be in primary school with her friends (while the toddler cried because she wanted to stay at nursery). Vanessa even started to speak to EVERYONE after a few weeks and said "now I can talk to others, can I please go to primary school?". I won't lie, it was hard to know if we had made the right choice keeping her back when she was so upset. But long term I think she will benefit in so many ways. She's not ready to sit quietly and do as she's told all day yet, I hope this extra year will have let her play more while she could. Her writing has come along so much I am sure she'll be ahead of where she needs to be in many ways. And apparently it's not just how they cope with going into primary school, but also how well they deal with exams and coursework the final years of high school, that is affected by their age. I had never even considered that there would be implications later, my main worry had been how she settled in into primary school. But of course it makes a difference to their progress if they are hitting puberty later than their classmates, aren't emotionally mature at the same time or simply feel left out because they can't drive/go to uni/drink etc.

We still have a 6 month wait to go until primary school, but for every day that goes by I am more certain we did the right thing for everyone involved. Once they are in the school system there is no going back, and it does go on for so long, I am glad she got some more time to just be a kid without the pressures of school (regardless of how play based it is these days). She drives me bonkers and come Tuesday afternoons we all want to kill each other, the sisters just fight, I'm fed up and tired, even the baby gets cranky; but then Wednesday afternoon and her first nursery session of the week comes around and things calm down. Of course now she has turned 5 she keeps asking when she starts school, hopefully spring and summer will keep her occupied and help time fly by.

If you're faced with this crazy difficult choice you have to follow your own gut, you have to judge how well you know your child, you have to take on board what the school says because (even if you might not agree with them) their view and expertise matters. Listen to your child but remember that they don't fully understand what school implies, even when they have siblings, school is a big new chapter and YOU know what it's like, but your child doesn't. They might find it scary, they might be excited; thing is they will be going there in the end. Of course if you have work obligations some of the decision is done for you because of your life's needs, but an extra year in nursery can't ever be a bad thing if you ask me. Good luck!